I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Enjoy the penises
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
