I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
