Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
