we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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