you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
