Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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