My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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