If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
