tell your sister to shave her snatch
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
