after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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