I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize