what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I smell stomach acid.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
