3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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