Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
