matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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