sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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