i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
