my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
