i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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