Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
