i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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