You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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