I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
