You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
