so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
