Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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