He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
