i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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