So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
