dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so let's talk penis.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize