I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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