just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
