I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
