butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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