Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
