Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Everyone says I win the strip club
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
