He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
