1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
