Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
