Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
