My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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