the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
