dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
