took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
