i just sent this text using only my big toe
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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