birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
