i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
