The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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