My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
