You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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