all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize