I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
