My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
