you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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