you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize