How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
