I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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