Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
