my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize